The Secrets of Life

"The first rule of (the Secrets of Life) is: you don't ever talk about (the Secrets of Life)." This is a direct quote from Brad Pitt. But I'm going to talk about them, for just this one instance... because it's important that everyone knows these secrets. I mean, everyone knows them, of course... that's why everyone does them, but just in case, under the bizarre circumstance that someone didn't know one of these rules, I think it's best that we talk about them just this once. That way no one has an unfair advantage over anyone else in the game of life. (Like the time that paraplegic was allowed to run in the Olympics against those "non-prosthetic-legged" people... so unfair.)

These, my friends, are the Secrets to Life, the shortcuts and time savers that make every day just a little bit easier:

If you are waiting for a package to come, if you have a tracking number, make sure to check the status of your package online as many times as possible... the more you check, the faster it will come and the better your odds will be that it will actually come TODAY!

If you are really cold, the fastest way to get warm is not what you think. Instead of heading inside to somewhere warmer, or putting on warmer clothes, just constantly repeat various phrases such as "I'm cold," "I'm freezing" and "I'll never let go, Jack" as if they are your personal mantra. Before you know it, you'll be warmer than ever.

Rule number 2 also works with food. If you are really hungry, make your mantra something along the lines of "I'm starving," "I could eat a whole elephant" or "I want my baby back baby back baby back... Chili's Baby Back Ribs (with BBQ sauce)."

If you really have to pee and there's no place to go, tap dancing is your best bet. In fact, there's an actual dance that was created in order to help you maintain your dry-pants status. It goes like this: Shift your weight to your left leg and bounce slightly up and down while tapping your right foot as fast as you can. Then after about 3 seconds, switch all of your weight to the other leg and tap your left foot repeatedly. At this point, you should be feeling some relief. However, in the extremely rare circumstance that you still have to go really bad, your best bet is to grab your crotch with both hands, do a half squat and repeat the mantra, "I have to pee. I really really have to pee."

If ever you are waiting in a line somewhere (a theme park, a movie theater, etc.) do not make the mistake of not following within a one foot radius of the person in front of you. Everyone else in line knows that if you are not breathing down the person in front of you's neck, you may just miss everything. The line might just skip over you and everyone behind you entirely. This is why you always get those annoyed eye rolls and death glares if you break this rule. So please, be courteous to all of the other customers in line and attach yourself to the hip of the person in front of you.

Whenever you really need to be productive and get something done, be it a paper for class or something for work, the best approach is always to sit down at the computer and make sure that you've gotten updated on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumbler, Instagram and FarmVille before you start. This may take an hour or two or ten, but at least, once you start working on said project, you know you'll have at least five minutes of straight get-down-to-it time until you'll have to check Facebook, Twitter, Tumbler, Instagram or FarmVille again.

When double clicking on something on the computer, if it seems to be taking a long time, quadruple click it, and then quadruple click it again. This always works to speed up the computer. It's scientifically proven!

In a similar fashion, when waiting for an elevator, rapid fire is always the best approach. If you just push the button once, the elevator will come in standard fashion. But if you rapid fire on the button, it will abort any other floors it was planning on going to and it will immediately come to you and take you directly to where you need to go.

If ever you find yourself needing more energy, the secret is to try to go to bed early. It's a sure thing that if you try to go to bed early, you will instantly be wide awake and ready to do anything.

The following pertain to the secret rules of the road:
When you see a stop sign, you should speed up as fast as you can. This way you are guaranteed to get to the stop sign faster.

When stopped at a stoplight, if you continually creep up onto the bumper of the car in front of you, the light will get anxious and just give up and turn green for you.

So now you know... these are the unspoken Secrets of Life. Use and enjoy. But remember, "the first rule about (the Secrets of Life) is: you do not talk about (Secrets of Life)."

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Are You Breathing Happy?

It is not a secret that I love TV. As I watch my favorites TV shows - from documentaries to Real Housewives -, I am forced to watch the commercials as well. I love American television, but the commercial campaigns are just too stupid.

Every time I watch a Wendy's commercial, for instance, I keep wondering why the advertisement girl is so thin. Come on, it's a fast food commercial! Don't underestimate my intelligence and don't give me false hopes. The same with Carl's Jr's: Heidi freakin' Klum is their ad girl! I mean, really guys?

But enough with fast food ads, otherwise I'll keep writing about them for the whole night.

A commercial that specially get on my nerves it's a Febreeze one. In case you don't know, Febreeze is the name of a brand that sells air fresheners and "odor eliminator". I don't like air fresheners for two reasons: first, because the smell is just too strong. It doesn't smell nice, it smells like harsh chemicals (I don't judge who like it though). Second, because it irritates my eyes and nose, and I soon begin to sneeze (and this comes from a person who does not have asthma or allergies). But people in America seem to like it a lot. No wonder that in the U.S., one in three people suffer from allergies, asthma, sinusitis or bronchitis. Treatment for these conditions includes reducing synthetic chemicals in the home environment.

Now that I've explained why I don't like these kinds of products, I'll say why this Febreeze commercial bothers me. It focuses on their new product, Febreeze Stick & Refresh. They stick the air freshener on the lid of a piled up garbage can, blindfold a family and take them to smell the garbage. Sounds silly and is silly indeed. Now they ask these poor people what they smell. "Beach house", "some place like Hawaii" and "flower fields" are some of the answers. Then, the producers ask the family to take the blindfolds off. What a surprise, it's a trash can! It keeps getting better when the man says that he wants to put this miraculous product not just on the lid of the trash can, but everywhere on his house. The little girl's reaction - "that smells good!" - is also priceless.

Seriously, Procter & Gamble? Are you saying that I should buy an air freshener to put on my trash can lid? Maybe it's easier to just empty my piled up garbage can, put on new bags on it and close the lid afterwards.

Their slogan is "Breath Happy". I will surely breath happy if I put little devices on my house that'll fill the air with bad chemicals. Thank you, but no thank you.

Besides, I know an air freshener that is really efficient, for free and 100% natural. It is called Opening the Windows.

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Learn to Talk Like a Hippie

Want to learn how to talk like a hippie? The flower children of the 1960s invented dozens of counter-culture words and expressions to describe their experiences and beliefs. Whether you are planning a party to celebrate peace and love, or just want to learn some hipster slang, here is a short list of hippie words and expressions.

Baby or Babe: A term of fondness for men or women, like "Honey."

Bag: A favorite hobby or pursuit, as in, "Playing guitar is my bag, baby."

Ban the Bra: A feminist catchphrase. The bra was considered a symbol of women's oppression and bras were sometimes burned in protest.

Bread: Money or cash. "I wish I didn't have to work, but I need the bread."

Bummer: Unfortunate occurrence or sad feeling. "What a bummer, man!"

Cat: A likable male.

Chick: A pretty, young woman.

Cool: Admirable or trendy, and worthy of emulation.

Cop out: Lame excuse for inaction or taking the lazy way out. "He said the dog ate all our brownies. What a cop out!"

Dig: "I dig it," means, "I understand your point of view." Also a way to describe something you like a lot, as in, "I really dig those sandals."

Do your own thing!: Do whatever makes you happy.

Drag: Boring or disappointing. "What a drag!"

Far Out!: "Awesome!"

Flower Children: Hippies were called Flower Children because they wore flowers in their hair, on their clothes and painted flowers on everything.

Flower Power: Flowers symbolized the power of love over hate. Most famously, hippies placed flower stems in the gun barrels of law enforcement during war protests.

Funky: Stylish in an unconventional way. For example, music and fashions can be funky.

Generation Gap: Defines the divergence between the ideals of modern, young adults and those of older and more conservative generations.

Get Real: Be realistic. You are in denial.

Go with the Flow: Be calm and let things happen at their own pace.

Groovy!: Most pleasurable! The coolest!

Hassle: Trouble or difficulty. "I got hassled by the police. What a hassle!"

If It Feels Good, Do It: Be uninhibited, enjoy yourself as you wish.

Laid Back: Peaceful and calm. "The crowd was laid back."

Lid: A $10 bag of marijuana, a full ounce at the time.

Love Beads: Natural beads that were fun to wear and fun to give as a mark of friendship.

Love-In: A hippie happening with love for all things as the central theme.

Make Love, Not War: Hippies shouted this slogan to protest war and promote peace and love.

Man: Spoken in place of a man's name, as in dude, buddy, pal, friend, chum. "Hey, man, I dig your Hendrix poster."

The Man: An authority figure, esp. the police.

Mellow: Pleasurable and agreeable.

Mellow Out: Take it easy; stay calm.

Munchies: Ravenous hunger, "I've got the munchies!" Also means delectable food, as in, "We put out lots of munchies to share."

Outta Sight or Out of Sight: Means fantastic, "The Beatles are outta sight!"

Plastic: Phony or artificial.

Rap: A rap means a friendly discussion. To rap is to talk. The word was not associated with music as it is today.

Right On!: An exclamation that means, "I completely agree!" Political emphasis is indicated by a raised fist.

Righteous: Worthy and commendable.

Scene: The party or place where cool people meet. "Dig this groovy scene!"

Selling Out: To abandon counter-culture ideals for material or personal gain. "She sold out to work in a bank. What a sell-out!"

Split: To depart. "Let's split this scene." "We have to split at midnight."

Square: Describes a person or thing that is conformist, straight-laced and very un-cool. "My mom is such a square!"

Thing: Total obsession or favorite pastime. "Incense is my thing, baby!"

Threads: Clothes.

Trippy: Fascinating and captivating with psychedelic overtones.

Uptight: Stressed or on edge. "My dad gets so uptight around my boyfriend."

Vibes: Short for vibrations, it means a feeling or intuition. "This place puts out great vibes." "I'm getting bad vibes from that policeman."

Way Out: Hard to believe or really amazing.

What's Happenin'?: Whaddup?

Where It's At!: Highly recommended place to go. "Haight-Ashbury is where it's at, baby."

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Whatever Happens, I Am Cool (Flexibility)

The worst can happen and the best can happen, but whatever happens, I am cool. To be flexible, is not to be ridiculously bendable and breakable. But, it is to be realistic. Dressing for rain and then being ready for the heat is a humorous example. Sure, we all want to not change our plans at the last minute, or be inflexible when we really want to be. Realistically I can honestly say that "nothing is set into stone" except the fact that change and progression always happens. One time, I read this book by a man named Don Todd called "The Barefoot Approach To Self-Help" which had an interesting approach also known as relax for the one constant in the universe is change. But then again, Douglas Adams "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy" said the same thing, and ended with the slogan about not panicking. The whole point to mentioning these two books fiction and not fiction/humor is this: Flexible courage instead of rigid fear is power. Sure, we all want to stay the same sometimes, but even when we walk or move, we get off balance to take the next step. That is my point.

All we can be in the face of progress and change is flexible, courageous and cool is the message of this article. After all, if there was such a genuine thing as normal, time really would stand still at least sometimes. We know that is not true or real. Those sort of pauses do not happen in reality, just on paper. Richard "Ringo Starr" Starkey of the Beatles when he drummed never stopped counting to four on each drum kit to keep time, either, just as time never stopped for the person who wants to stay the same. So, I can only end this paragraph with: Whatever happens, I am cool.

So, have a towel and a fresh pair of underwear, because if you live, you will get dirty. So clean yourself off and put on your fresh underwear and go on with time. Because even if you want to stay still, you cannot. I am sorry. Time goes on as the Doobie Brothers musical group says: "Minute by minute". Change is a logical constant, so flush the toilet before you leave the bathroom, hang your towel up and make sure your underwear are straight before you go on with time. For, this is reality, and it has shoes on, not bare feet.

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Village: One City: Nil

Village life. Whether you're a burnt out urban dweller desperate to trade your Jimmy Choos's for a pair of mud splattered Hunter wellies, or, like me, a born and bred country bumpkin with the badge to prove it, here are some of the realities of the often hilarious, but more frequently, downright ludicrous goings on in a village near you! You've seen Hot Fuzz, you've seen the Vicar of Dibley but have you got what it takes to navigate the perilous bridle path that is 'Village Life'?

Now, I'm not going to name my village here for fear of retribution but, I guarantee that being a village resident requires a strong constitution and a stiff upper lip. This is no place to show your sensitive side. Any sign of weakness and you'll be whipped into shape by Mrs Chumley, the Post Mistress: "we'll have none of that nonsense here", is her favourite retort. A stoic resident is a celebrated resident. And don't even think about scattering the village salt supply on that icy patch that you've slipped over on for the 4th time this week. That particular duty belongs to Brian, the only problem is, Brian's memory isn't what it used to be. Still, there's only been one serious accident this year...

Every village has its ancient traditions and mine is no exception. On those long awaited days of celebration, where the gingham table cloths have been freshly laundered, the cupcakes are piled high and the bunting has been hung, I have learnt to expect the unexpected. The 'well-rehearsed' may-pole dancing inevitably ends in tears. There's always one isn't there? Last year it was little Giles Rowbottom. Starstruck and completely distracted by the presence of his Aunt Alice, was whipped in to a frenzy by the frenetic clapping. He overtook his partner at high speed, and collided head on with Evie Jones. The entire community of village children were left intertwined and sobbing around a Maypole that now possessed an uncanny resemblance to the leaning tower of Pisa.

Another not-so-normal 'tradition' that has come about, is the Annual Sponsored Teddy Bear Parachute Marathon. Every year, on a Saturday in June at 10am sharp, the children of the village accompanied by their favourite teddy bear and their eager parents form an orderly queue outside the church. They are greeted at the Church Door by The Reverend Bishop, sporting a manic grin and a bag of hanky parachutes. After ascending the Church tower one by one the precious teddies are flung frantically by the Reverend, destination unknown. What ensues is dependent on the weather conditions but bedlam is usually the order of the day. A mêlée of squealing children chasing after their furry friends, extricating them from tree branches, and scaling the Church wall to access the neighbouring Vicarage garden. Health and Safety never appears to be an issue, despite several trips to A&E and a couple of cold compresses. After a hot cup of tea and a generous application of Savlon, the exhausted, battle scarred children are issued with a gilded certificate to commemorate the heroic actions of their Teddy Bears.

The role of the Church within the village is primarily - the most notable, but would be nothing without the cherished Reverend Bishop. Despite this, he is often responsible for various mishaps and misdemeanors. Only last Tuesday whilst navigating the narrow, sodden pavement with my dog, Hamish Mcduff, I looked up to see the Reverend's bright red Fiat Punto careering towards me at high speed. The reverend was wearing his usual grin and the grey wispy hair, that normally covered his bald patch, was flowing freely behind him. Seconds later, both the dog and I were soaked to the skin. We'd been 'drive-by splashed' by our local vicar, who, oblivious of his latest crime sped off to goodness knows where.

Hamish Mcduff has been responsible for a few village incidents himself. On one occasion, whilst making our daily trek across the village green, he spotted Helmut - the pub cat. That was it. He was gone. After fifteen minutes of frantic searching I was breathless, red faced and having horrific visions of peeling him off the road. At this point, I came across Mrs Hulme in her wheelchair. It became apparent that a military operation was under way. She'd been stationed at her post (the bridge over the brook) by Joan the cat-sitter who had issued instructions to her and numerous others to apprehend a large grey shaggy dog on site. To the huge relief of all involved, he was detained by Audrey Sharp from the wine society who had found him in the supermarket, with a branch attached to his tail, wreaking havoc as every corner he turned he cleared another shelf. He appeared to be looking for me.

This did nothing to help the dog community, who have recently came under fire from 'The Chalk Lady'. An anonymous villager who has taken to prowling the village by night armed to the teeth with white chalk, which she uses to draw large circles around piles of doggy excrement, in the hope of shaming the owners of these furry offenders. She announced her war on dogdom with a type-written poem which appeared overnight stapled to various trees and lamposts around the village. In it, she attempted to guilt -trip the wrong-doers and their delinquent pooches into utilizing the poo bags that were positioned at key points of the village. What she hadn't banked on, was the dog walkers response poem, which quite frankly I can't repeat here.

It's true, at times, it can all be just a bit overbearing. And I shall happily be the first to acknowledge this. There will be times where you just want to lock yourself away and never face the wrath of the village nutters again. When poor old and feeble Mrs Thompson rapps on your door, demanding that you move your bins instantly or - and I quote, there will be " A row like dickens". You smile sweetly, suppressing your rage and enquire about how her hydrangeas are coming along. As tempted as you are in allowing your rage to surface, of course - you can't, because you're attending a parish council meeting with her next Tuesday at 11 sharp.

In contrast to this however, is the aforementioned 'drive by splashing' that I received at the hands of the reverend bishop quite comparable to the same treatment from a double decker bus in the big city? I thought not. Is battling your way through the selfish crowds on the tube quite the same as that half hour at the end of the day, when the tiny village supermarket reduces the fresh produce to ridiculous prices and you are reduced to elbowing your way through your fellow wax-jacketed, manure scented neighbours, to grab an elusive bargain? It's true, in the city, you won't have to lean precariously out of the window to get a phone signal and your trips to the supermarket will undoubtedly be quicker. But do you have a comedy Vicar at your disposal? Would anyone recognize your dog if you were to lose him? And you're more likely to have someone rap on your door and inform you that there's a dead body in your wheelie bin, than threaten you with 'a row like Dickens.'

So, would I trade my, not-so-peaceful, village life for the big city? Miss out on all the chaos and hilarity? The questionable and borderline behaviour of the locals. Would I bollocky.

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Great Books I Forgot to Write

The Man-Ape Rebellion in Tanzania

Many of you have read my reports here on Big Foot and such written in a humorous or perhaps fictional vein but this would have been more factual. Oomplo, the man-ape came out of his cave looking for something to eat in Patrick Henry's garden, perhaps a carrot or even an eggplant, his favorite of all vegetables. He sees that Patrick has fallen asleep on the porch and has dropped the book he was reading on the deck. Oomplo sees that the book was written by the former Vice President of the United States of America, Al Gore. It is about Global Warming. Oomplo reads the back cover and quickly returns to his cave where with his fellow man-apes plans to disable the local bus that puts so much noxious gases into the air. They succeed and it takes two months to get the parts to get the bus running again, etc. Later Oomplo lectures at Yale University.

Revving Your Bicycle Up To 75 Mph

This book would tell you how to get that bicycle of yours up to speed. It would tell how to find an old Harley or Indian motor, put it into a wagon that you pull with a pulley driving the back wheel sprocket. I have not worked out all the technical details but will get right back on it as soon as my broken neck heals. The doctor says it will be twelve more weeks.

Tricks for Surviving WWIII

The president is fanning the blaze in Syria and it could lead to the last of all wars, WWIII. Other presidents have tried to start WWIII but now a President may have success. Therefore we should prepare for such an event in case China or Russia or Israel or some other peace-keeping country decides to unleash nuclear weapons. Underground is good with plenty of water and food and guns for protection along with a Porta-Potty from Walmart and magazines to read. But the key will be the position to take in case of a nuclear attack that we learned shortly after the Cold War began which is to sit down and grab your knees placing your head as low as possible to kiss your arse goodbye.

How to Make Money From a Great Idea

With the Internet one can quickly convert a great idea to cash. The trick is to take your passions and generate an idea that hungry wealthy buyers will snatch onto. You become an expert and they will follow you to the end of the earth buying everything you stick in front of them. You will become an Internet guru.The book will include topics such as finding a niche market, how to build a website, how to use keywords and social marketing and how to build a mailing list. I'm still looking for examples as to how this can actually work as none of my tries have been successful. This, of course, will be a work of fiction.

How to Write a Humorous Poem about Your Wife

This can come in handy for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and other holidays. I would show you an example of my poems but the editors here will say I copied it from the Internet and hold up the publication of this article as article sites always do even if you are copying what you wrote yourself. When writing about your wife, be careful. You could end up on the couch.

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Don't Go Into The Horse Pen Looking For A Pony If You Don't Like Ponies!

Over the years I have learned a lot about myself. At one time I used to think being optimistic was a good quality. I however tend to be optimistic when it came to people. I used to pride myself at being able to see some good in everyone. Being the Queen of Control made it easy for me to get into everybody else's business.

The following is a lesson I learned and want to share with you.

OPTIMISM:

*The ability to look at the bright side of things.

*The ability to see a glass half full not half empty.

*The ability to see good in everybody even the neighborhood burglar. or bad guy.

PESSIMISM:

*Able to see every thing as bad luck.

*IF one did not have bad luck they would have no luck at all.

* Seeing the glass half empty not half full.

I learned about three years ago that I do not like horses. I mean I rode a horse maybe three times in my life. The last time I rode I was at a camp where everything you did was with night blinders on so you could not see.

We went to a horse farm to ride horses. I could smell the horses. I could hear them and feel their bodies and knew they were big and strong. With much encouragement they had me walk up on some steps and try to get on the horse. Remember I'm blindfolded. I can not see a thing. Putting my leg over a horse sounded easy enough. But not being able to see turned it into terrifying! Someone was holding the horse very calmly telling me to "swing your leg over the horse now." Right... It's moving! I attempted it and the next thing I know I am half on the horse and half off. Holding on for dear life and thinking I'm going to die! The worker got more helpers and we tried it again. By this time I am thinking, what am I doing? Well I got back up the steps and with help got my leg over the horse. I was sitting on this 1000 pound mass of muscles and not able to see a thing. Every time it moved I felt I was going to fall off and get run over. "Let;s just practice walking around in the ring." The helper said very calmly. I stayed on the horse for about five minutes, if that. I couldn't handle it anymore. "I need to get off now." I announced. What seemed like hours later the other workers came over and helped guide me down.

I do not like horses! This experience taught me that I had no business near a horse. No business being in a horse pen. No business thinking I could change the fact that I did not like horses.

After that I connected a story I heard that made keeping out of others stuff appealing.

The story goes like this: Some scientist were going to try an experiment. They wanted to see if by changing a situation could someones attitude truly be changed. So they put an ad in the paper for volunteers.

They asked for an optimistic child and a pessimistic child. Two boys answered their ad quickly. They both arrived at the lab. The scientist put them into two different rooms. Each room had a pen full of horse manure. After several hours they came around to see how the boys were doing. The pessimistic child seemed agitated. Rolled up in a ball trying to stay as clean as possible. "Tell us what happened?" The scientists asked. "This has been a terrible day. Everything that could go wrong did. Then to find myself in here really makes my day a complete disaster!" The scientist wrote down their findings and went into the next room.

To their amazement the little boy was happy, he was kicking and screaming for joy. Tossing the manure here and there. Excitement and elation with each shovel full he threw. The scientists couldn't stand it any longer. "Why are you so happy?" The little boy stopped just long enough to say. "With all this sh*t there must be a pony in here somewhere! "

One day I connected the dots and discovered. With trying to control other's problems or getting into their business without being asked, I was freely entering into their pen full of manure. When I first entered I liked the excitement. The challenge. Trying to help them find their pony, showing them how easy it would be to find the pony. Telling them how to dig and how deep to find the pony. After a while I would notice that I was getting my shoes full of their sh*t. My clothes and hair was getting dirty, and I was becoming miserable, frustrated and anxious as I was right smack in the middle of their stuff. Over time I was able to see that I do not like horses. I do not like how I feel around other peoples horse pens.

It finally made sense. Thinking the optimistic child was making something good out of a bad situation was not the picture I needed to see. I needed to see that I do not like horses. I do not need to get into the pit full of manure. I have no business helping someone else with their stuff that they freely piled up.

So, if you don't like horses don't get into the pen to try to find a pony. Walk away. Keep your focus on yourself and your own actions. If you feel you need to do something for that other person PRAY. It could stand for Priorities Responsibilities At Yourself.

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